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Subject:Hey, Pokemon fandom!
Time:09:12 pm
Current Mood:annoyedannoyed
You know which pairing SUCKS? Lance/Silver. I mean, ewwww! Silver is TEN YEARS OLD nevermind how his remake design clearly screams teenager and Lance is a grown man! That's pedophilia!! Not to mention they're both straighter than arrows and both have the hots for Lyra! And it's not like Silver was blatantly stalking Lance for a good part of the game anyway! So no way is Silver fantasizing about Lance doing all manner of hot steamy things to him.

Y'know what else sucks? Ethan/Lyra. Cause who needs stupid-ass boring childhood friend romances when you can pair Lyra with every other male in the game including Proton? Anyone who writes sweet, fluffy, adorable Ethan/Lyra smut is gonna get a kick in the face!

Finally, Clair/Karen is made of lose and fail. Hello?! They never even interact, it's not like they'd know each other through Lance or something, and Clair's totally straight. Two hot blue-haired ladies having hot sex is just WRONG!
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Time:10:21 pm
It'd be annoying if Golden Sun: Dark Dawn fans passed up the "sex makes babies" jokes, noticed that NPC in Ayuthay talking about how many girls like Amiti, and wrote fic about Amiti as a sly, sensual ladies' man (or men's man, I suppose) instead of a kawaii uke virgin.

Did I say "annoying"? I meant, "hotter than a volcano dungeon in the middle of summer".
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Subject:THIS RAGE OF MINE IS BURNING RED!1!!!
Time:09:55 pm
Who all watched G Gundam back in the day? I know I sure did. And I know it sure is a good thing no one ever shipped Rain with Schwarz. I mean come on, it's canon she hooks up with Domon and AUs are stupid! It's not like the idea them having a steamy one-nighter during the time she was working with him is irresistibly scandalous or anything, or makes me really hot and bothered for some reason. IN FACT IT MAKES ME SICK TO MY STOMACH :| Plus she'd totes find out about Schwarz's secret identity and like I said AUs are STUPID. JUST AS STUPID AS THE IDEA OF RAIN AND SCHWARZ RUBBING UGLIES.

And the only thing I hate more than kittens are cute snakes! >:(
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Subject:Dear Sonic fandom,
Time:09:26 pm
E-123 Omega is a robot. He is incapable of emotions, and even more incapable of sex. So why do you keep refraining from pairing him up with the rest of Team Dark?!

Shadow and Rouge have the perfect chemistry, and adding Omega to that just makes him a third wheel.

They don't hold any loyalty or trust to Omega (don't talk to me about Chronicles, that shit's non-canon!)

Hell, Omega himself imprisoned Shadow against his will, in a future that has since been undone through timetravel! (No, the fact that Omega was ashamed of this and both Rouge and Shadow got upset on hearing it doesn't mean anything.)

Omega is not concerned with romance, the only thing he cares about is destroying Eggman nevermind that he'll drop that goal faster than a hot potato if Rouge and Shadow ask him to do so.

Just... stop it. It's not cute, it's not hot, it's not even funny.
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Subject:dear monster hunter fandom
Time:07:26 am
I am so glad that noone has made a mega kut-ku/phantom uragaan fic (miniature yian kut-ku and miniature uragaan), because there is no way that the proud yian kut-ku would lower itself to mate with a brute wyvern.
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Subject:Old Kingdom fans, a word? (note: spoilers for final book)
Time:08:48 pm
Current Mood:cheerfulcheerful
I am so very disappointed pleased with you, fanwriters of the Old Kingdom/Abhorsen series! I mean, necromantic bells that mean the ringer can control your actions, read your mind or make you fall asleep? What kind of delightfully intriguing sick creep would use that for porny purposes? I'm so annoyed glad that there isn't anything like that out there.

And you know Nick and Lirael? If they're at all interested in each other (which of course they totally are definitely aren't), I know that Nick would only use his scientific knowledge in a way which was not totally innocent and completely innuendo-free. (And, obviously, the "scientific method" of working things out could never be sexy except it really is.)

Lastly, Touchstone and Sabriel. I am truly saddened relieved that there is nothing about the two of them having hard, fast, mind-blowing sex after the final battle with Orannis or even after the failed assassination attempt. I mean, how could a near-death experience ever make someone want to have sex? [EDIT: Nobody ever writes them having sex after they've had Ellimere and Sam, either, because sex is, of course, only for procreation when you're in a medieval-type place/time.] Besides, they're, like, forty by that time (or two hundred and forty, for Touchstone), and as we all know, old people never have sex.

Thank you all so much for not writing about any of this stuff!


P.S. As for kittens? Well, look at Mogget. Cats are awesome! evil.
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Subject:Looney Tunes pr0n!
Time:02:17 am
THANK GOD there's no Looney Tunes porn. Sexualizing my childhood entertainment oughta be both completely hysterical AND inexplicably hot is disgusting! Especially Daffy/Bugs, Elmer/Bugs, Yosemite Sam/Bugs, Bugs/Female Bunny OC, or anything involving Bugs crossdressing. YUCK! LMAO!

Oh, and kittens are EVIL.
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Subject:For everyone out there who's a Lupin III obsessed-fan like me
Time:03:04 am
Current Mood:busy
You know what I've been thinking guys?

I've been watching The Hemingway Papers obsessively and something grabbed my attention and this is all I can think of: the relationship between Jigen and Mash is pure unadulterated lust hate. They were totally doing each other in the past never got along and never will get along. I mean, really. If you think it otherwise please, marry me right now you are out of your mind.

Honestly, it's pretty clear that they had wild sex, bondage and tying up included they were always trying to kill each other. Anyone thinking they had any kind of nice relationship can be my friend forever and ever is utter nuts.

And if you think that way anyway, YES DO don't even dare saying that Mash tops. I can't even start imagining how hot and delicious that is terrible that is, specially if it looks/sounds abusive. I totally approve of disapprove of anyone that puts Jigs in a submissive role. It is absolutely sexy completely disgusting to even think about such a thing.

So, if I catch any of you thinking/writing about that, I'm going to smother you with love forever pretend you don't even exist. I'm dead serious.
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Subject:Because this is a game for MEN.
Time:01:51 am
You know what makes me happy? It makes me happy that Brutal Legends doesn't have a fandom. Brutal Legend is a manly game about big manly dudes waving their not-at-all phallic guitars and swords at each other in a totally sexless fashion and scoring girls like straight dudes do while fighting bondage demons because bondage is bad and evil. Fandom would just taint all the manliness with their icky girlparts.

And really, the fact that there's no Eddie/Lars slashfic just depresses me restores my faith in fandom. I don't care how impressed they are with each other or how often Lars gets heroic camera angles or just what it sounded like he was saying when he asked Eddie if he'd been looking at his sword or anything, everyone knows that manly metal dudes can't be, like, into other dudes or anything never mind all the ones in real life that actually are. It's just a bad idea all around and I'm glad nobody's writing it, GLAD DO YOU HEAR ME.

And Ophelia/Lita wouldn't be hot at all either, so there.

Kittens are stupid.
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Subject:Fire Emblem fandom, we need to have a talk
Time:03:53 pm
Current Mood:RAWR
Femslash is gross, mmkay? I mean, NO ONE wants to read about Lyn and Florina getting it on in their tent after everyone's gone to bed, Sylvia molesting Fury in the baths, OR L'Arachel and Eirika "eloping" to Carcino and the romantic "wedding night" that follows! Don't you realize that this is a medieval era and that lesbians are forbidden?! Either learn some historical accuracy or GTFO! Seriously!
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